


Crossing the Void

by ProngsfootxJily



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: A Love Purer than Unicorn Blood, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Fluff, Hand Job, Homophobic era, Kissing, M/M, Marauders' Era, Mutual Pining, Porn With Plot, Romance, Secret Eastablished Relationship, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Starbucks, prongsfoot - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-27
Updated: 2018-01-08
Packaged: 2019-02-07 14:01:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12842691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProngsfootxJily/pseuds/ProngsfootxJily
Summary: The First Wizarding War is wreaking havoc and sometimes all you need is a little bit of love to help you through the day; even if you are forced to keep it a secret.James and Sirius know how to balance their profound, all-consuming love for each other whilst trying to abide by the homophobic social expectations and restrictions of the late 1970s, but that doesn’t mean it is easy.Basically this was just an excuse for mutual pining and sexual tension in an already established relationship.





	1. Pining and Yearning

**Author's Note:**

> I have to give credit to this Sirius/James masterpiece by Writcraft: Don't Stop Me Now (A Tragedy in Three Acts) for inspiring me to delve a little more into the political side of their relationship.  
> I also have to thank the two random guys I saw sitting in a booth at a food court. I don't think you were more than friends but I hope that you’re happy.

"Finally," Peter cheers and Sirius looks over to see James approaching the booth.

"Sorry I'm late." James slides onto the couch beside Sirius. "Dumbledore wanted me at the castle." He ruffles his hair, readjusting it, a habit James is slowly losing. "Hey," he directs the greeting to Sirius. There is something in his eyes, something troubled. It gets under Sirius's skin but he knows this isn't the time for soft voices, caresses and compassion. He adopts his usual tone, says hello back, and pushes the extra butterbeer he'd ordered in front of him.

"Always so thoughtful," James looks from Sirius's eyes to lips for the briefest second before picking up his glass and clinking it against Sirius's.

"Always thinking of you, Prongs." Sirius admits casually. James smiles against the rim of the glass before downing half the pint. Sirius's eyes wander across their shrinking group; it seems to be getting smaller every few months. First it was Marlene: murdered while trying to protect her family. Then Mary who – like Lily, was distraught over their best friend's death – still can't bear to do more than attend the odd Order meeting and help with planning missions. Lily, however, says it's these catch ups – when they sit in the Three Broomsticks, drinking cheap, creamy alcohol like they are teens again (even though everyone else around this table, except Sirius, is still a teen) – that keeps her going. Sirius tries not to dwell on what happened with Remus. “They had to do it” is what he tells himself, because he doesn't know how else they'd live with the decision to ostracise him. It had to be him. He was feeding the Death Eaters information. They as good as caught him. So now it's just the six of them: James, Lily, Peter, Alice, Frank and Sirius, sitting in their usual booth. A booth that now has too much extra space.

"You're thinking. Should I be worried?" Lily asks, poking Sirius's side. He turns to her and shakes his head.

"I don't think it's contagious, you probably won't catch it," Sirius can't help but chuckle as she rolls her eyes. 

"As I was saying," Peter begins to retell the story he'd started before James's arrival interrupted him.

Peter is all but finished when James starts to stretch. For a moment Sirius thinks he's about to wrap his arm across his shoulders and he can't help but feel his muscles tense. It wouldn't be that big of a deal, the others have some understand of how close they are, but it's everyone behind them. Those that would see something innocent and assume – correctly – that there is more to it. So Sirius is relieved, yet still disappointed, when James's arm rests on the back of the booth and not against his body. Those few centimetres act as socially acceptable middle ground: a space that can only to be breached down dark alleys and in clubs, behind closed doors or in a moment of certain isolation. Whereas, on the other side of the table Frank still has his arm around Alice's waist, like he had all afternoon, his hand resting on her stomach as she leans into him.

"Pads," James quietly pulls Sirius's attention away from the pair. Whatever was behind his eyes when he first arrived has faded. "What would you like to do tomorrow? I’m home all day."

Sirius covertly slips his finger into one of James's belt loops and tugs, just enough that he'd feel it. "Stay in bed," he whispers before letting go and casually grabbing his pint with both hands.

"Sounds good," James nods turns back to the others.

The conversations continue and sometime later Sirius feels the warm grip of James's palm on his shoulder making him instinctively lean into him. However, he refrains from meeting James's gaze, knowing he can never fully hide how much he revels in James's touch.

"Want another drink?" James asks and Sirius shakes his head.

"No I'm all right, thanks," Sirius glancing at him out of the corner of his eye.

"Anyone else want another?" James asks, his hand still gripping Sirius's shoulder.

"If you're buying," Lily says.

James leans across Sirius; he's so close that James's body is pressed into Sirius's side, so close that if Sirius moved just a bit he'd be able to kiss his face or his neck... He peals his eyes away from him as quickly as he looked and turns to Lily who's resting her elbow on the table, giving James a pointed look.

"It's your lucky day, Evans," James grins. "What would you like?"

"Butterbeer is fine," she says with a sweet smile.

Peter and Frank order another butterbeer and Alice says she's fine with her water. James squeezes Sirius's shoulder, as he starts to move his fingers glide surreptitiously across the back of Sirius's neck, making his skin crawl in the most delightful way.

"I'll help," Sirius says, maybe too abruptly. He follows him out of the booth and they join the end of the short line.

"So, Alice is pregnant." Sirius announces.

"What? Did she tell you?" James asks, somewhat surprised at the abruptness of such news.

"She didn't need to. Can you remember a time when she didn't convince us all to do shots of firewhiskey?"

"Maybe she just doesn't want to?" Even James doubts the words as he says them.

Sirius laughs, ""Just water", come on, Prongs. Frank hasn't let her go all afternoon." Sirius realises the seemingly insignificant implications of what he said, and James's expression gives away that he did as well.

"I noticed that, too," James softens Sirius's shame in the way only he can. 

They're interrupted by the free space between them and the bartender. James relays the order, pays, and the pair take a seat on two empty stools.

"It must be early, so we'll wait for her to tell us," James decides and Sirius agrees.

"They're brave, even if it wasn't planned," Sirius mutters. He remembers the tiny fingers belonging to Fred and George Weasley when Molly brought them to an Order meeting a few months before their first birthday. It was supposed to be a subtle boost to their morale, to remind them what they're all fighting for, but it only drove home the tragedy of the war. As soon as Fred had wrapped his whole hand around Sirius's fingers, he had to palm the tiny human off to Kingsley – who was also struggling to maintain full composure. Sirius remembers how he then dragged himself across the Room of Requirement to where James was scanning the bookcase. Sirius had violently spun him around, yanking and gathering their bodies until they were in the perfect embrace. Breathing heavily in a hug so tight, so intimate, that he's sure everyone pretended they could not see to save them any embarrassment. Sirius is so certain that was the first time he whispered that he was completely in love with James when other people were in the room – even if they weren’t listening. They had openly said "I love you" since they were 11 years old. They knew they were well and truly passed platonic love by the time they entered their second last year at Hogwarts. They knew that it was their secret that moving in together was their way of furthering their commitment to one another. But there was something about that moment, when it felt like the world had fallen away, leaving only them – clinging to each other – that had felt so all-consuming that Sirius could not wait until later to whisper it to him in the shadows of their bedroom.

"Yeah, they are," James whispers. Sirius almost does it, almost crosses the void to take James's hand, needing to be reminded not everything is as small and fragile as a baby's fingers, but the last pint is poured and slammed carelessly in front of them. So Sirius keeps his hands to himself and they take glasses back to the booth.

***

They barely make it into their flat before James's mouth is on Sirius's, the force of it knocks Sirius back against the door, James's hand slams against the wood, the sound echoing through his bones. James wraps his other arm around Sirius's waist, pulling their bodies closer as Sirius buries his fingers in his hair. They're hot, half hard and flustered by the time James pulls back.

"I've wanted to do that all day."

"You left so early." Sirius pouts and then starts to walk them down the foyer. "I didn't get my lazy, weekend, morning sex; we didn't cook breakfast or have a shower together..." Sirius's hands go to James's belt, unbuckling it as he walks him into their bedroom. He presses his lips to James's "I hate having to get off without you," he whispers into his mouth before kissing him.

"You should have waited," James's fingers start working on Sirius's belt.

"I wouldn't have lasted." Sirius breathes. "Would have fucked you in the bathroom," he admits making James smirk and start kissing down Sirius's neck.

"Next time."

"Mmm, definitely," Sirius's mind wanders and in the moment it sounds like a perfect idea. The thought of getting caught almost thrills him. His mind is too foggy with arousal to recognise the potential repercussions of being discovered in such a compromising position. 

They strip each other out of their clothes and Sirius is on his knees about to pull James's underwear off when he suddenly steps back. "Wait."

"Why?” Sirius asks sitting back on his heels. “What's wrong?" he gets to his feet and closes the distance.

"Don't ask why I suddenly remembered. I was going to tell you later, but maybe I should tell you now."

"Can it wait? I've wanted to get my hands on you all day," Sirius rubs up and down his arms.

James smiles and shakes his head, "I don't think my heart will be in it, Pads."

"Should I be standing or sitting for this?" Sirius asks. James tilts his head towards the bed so they climb on together, sitting, facing each other. "Does this have to do with today? Did something happen?" Sirius asks.

"Yeah. Dumbledore wanted me to practice occlumency with him so that I’ll be prepared for the mission."

Sirius frowns and shifts uncomfortably as the memories of when his parents used to practices legilimency on him when he was younger play through his mind. He understands, maybe too well, how invasive and violating the experience can be. "Are you all right?" He asks and James nods reassuringly.

James takes a short breath, not taking his eyes off Sirius, monitoring his reaction as he confesses: "Dumbledore knows." 

Sirius's confusion is evident. "Knows?"

"About us," he clarifies. "I couldn't block him out; he saw us."

"What did he say?" Sirius asks.

"He didn’t say anything. He just told me we have to keep practicing and that I have to learn how to keep my mind clear." Sirius nods. "I tried," James whispers. Sirius lets out a pained noise before pulling James onto his lap, framing his face with his hands.

"I'm not upset," Sirius kisses his forehead. "I think Dumbledore has a lot more to worry about than our private life." James closes his eyes as he leans into Sirius's touch. "The only problem is now I don’t think we can ever have sex again, because all I'm going to see is his face."

James cringes, "See why I had to tell you."

"What did he see? Actually no, maybe don't answer that!"

"I think it was mainly our first few times."

"The first times with our hands or the first times full on sex?"

"Fifth year, in the dorms," Sirius nods, knowing they didn't go all the way until Christmas break in sixth year, when James convinced Sirius not to move out of the his parents' house.

"All right, I can cope with that, that's not so bad."

"I had to try and force myself to remember something a little more P.G.; I didn't want to give the old guy a heart attack."

"You did really well, to be able to gain some control," James’s brows crease in a way that expresses just as much gratitude as the kiss that follows. James kisses away Sirius's hurt over remembering his own failed attempts at blocking out his parents. He kisses away the thoughts of other people finding out about them and he kisses him like it's the first time and they're fifteen all over again.

After a sufficient amount of gentle kisses and caresses that guaranteed no chance of unwanted mental images, James slowly pushes forward making Sirius lay down under him. Sirius wraps his legs around James's hips pulling him so he falls completely on top of him. They rock their hips together; the soft fabric of their underwear brings some relief, but not enough contact. Just as Sirius is about to roll them over James starts kissing his neck, shimmying down Sirius’s body, kissing his torso as he goes. Sirius keeps his legs around him as James crouches between his legs, licking, sucking and kissing his inner thighs. He unhooks Sirius's ankles from behind his head to pull his underwear off; standing off the bed to remove his own.

Sirius sits up to watch him. "Come here," he beckons and takes off James's glasses before crawling on all fours up the bed to put them on the bedside table, Sirius is about to turn around when he feels James's body behind him, his hands smoothing up and down his back. Sirius sucks in a breath and James pulls his hips back against his erection. Sirius arches his back rocking his hips back which makes James let out a breathy sigh. 

James leans over his body, moving his hair to kiss the back of his neck. "Like this?" James asks.

"Yes, please."

"Wow, “please”, you really are desperate,” James smiles against Sirius’s warm skin.

“Shut up…” Any further reprimand is lost in Sirius’s throat as James kisses down his curved back. He pulls back and grips Sirius's shoulders, starting to massage them, easing any tension.

Sirius relaxes his posture, dropping his head onto his arms as he lets the feeling spread through his body. "That's it," James coos, Sirius involuntarily bucks his hips back against James. James lets go of his shoulders, moving to knead and spread Sirius’s arse. James's lips delicately kiss him down from his tail bone until his lips and his tongue press gently against his sensitive hole. Sirius shudders against him, whimpering his name. James steadies Sirius's hips before working harder, licking and poking at him, sucking his balls into his mouth before going back to licking him. He pulls away to cast a quick spell, he spreads the lubricant up and down his arse, his balls, even delicately jacking Sirius off for the briefest moment before sliding a finger into his hole, Sirius groans as James pumps his finger in and out. 

Sirius rocks with the motion begging for more, James gladly delivers. James scissors his fingers, curling and thrusting them as he spreads another spell worth of lube on his throbbing cock. When James pulls out Sirius can't help but groan, however, as the bed shifts a violent rush of arousal plummets right to Sirius's core. He arches his back in the way James loves and looks over his shoulder to watch as he slowly pushes in. Sirius's eyes screw shut with the burn of pleasure. Once James pushes in all the way Sirius grabs one of his hands pulling him forward to reach under his body and stroke him. James immediately begins pumping his hand in time with his thrusts, making Sirius moan his name long and loud.

James sounds completely wrecked when he practically yells, "Fuck I'm not going to last if you make that sound again." Sirius looks at him again and James thrusts all the way, leaning over Sirius's body to kiss his face. Sirius pushes back as much as he can moving to kiss his mouth; it's awkward, sloppy and full of panting grunts – but Merlin does it feel good.

"Harder," Sirius orders so James kisses across his face and back before letting go of Sirius's dick, grabbing both of his hips and thrusting harder and deeper. "Fuck, Jamie, yes, like that," he praises rocking his hips to meet his thrusts.

"You feel so good," James pants, "I'm close..."

Sirius grinds his hips, drawing out a strangled moan from James, "Don’t pull out," he begs and James wraps his hand back around Sirius's cock rubbing his thumb over his tip. Sirius pants out moans that are mixed with James's name as he comes on his boyfriend's hand.

James keeps thrusting, kissing his back as he whimpers "I love you so fucking much" before he stiffens and shoots warm come inside him. After a few lazy thrusts he pulls out and Sirius rolls onto his side.

"I love you, too," Sirius whispers as James – red cheeks and sweaty – collapses down next to him.

James's sated smile is contagious as he pulls Sirius's willing body into him, wrapping his arms around him. Sirius rubs his hand up and down James's side, kissing and nuzzling his neck to make up for his inability to touch him earlier. Sirius grabs James's sticky hand in his own and closes his eyes.

***

Later that night James is sitting on the couch watching the news coverage on their muggle TV; it's almost become a requirement for members of the Order to keep up to date with any new developments in the muggle world. Sirius comes around the couch with a bowl of ice-cream and James immediately opens his arms. "Come here." Sirius sits next to him and snuggles into him, spooning the ice cream between them. James squeezes him close.

"I'm sorry," he says during the commercials.

"For what?" Sirius asks, looking up at him.

"That we can't be like Alice and Frank, I saw the way you looked at them."

Sirius sighs, resting his head on James's shoulder. "That’s not your fault. I just wish..." Sirius decides not to finish his sentence. It does not do to dwell on dreams...

"So do I… But at least we have this." James kisses the top of his head.

"Yeah, at least we have this." Sirius repeats, knowing he's beyond lucky. He’s lucky to love and to be loved back. He is lucky to have this life with James that is bathed in such vivid colour – even if the world is blind and war makes everything else so bleak. As much as Sirius wants to hold James's hand while they walk, or rest his hand on his thigh when he knows James needs a little bit of physical contact, they still have this. Both of them, together, in every way that two people can possibly be together. Even with the prospect of each mission ending in disaster, Sirius knows that each day they survive means each night can be spent wrapped up in each other and that alone makes the next day worth fighting for.


	2. Breathing and Bleeding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just couldn't let this plot line rest, so here's another insight into their relationship:  
> Sirius and James try to indulge in each other but the War has a way of interrupting them.

Sunday morning spreads her golden wings across the sky and James's mouth tastes like scorched dreams as he kisses Sirius awake. Sirius, half asleep and with heavy limbs, rolls them over again so he's on top of James's naked body. Their tongues and lips slowly find their usual rhythm, making the tingle of arousal bubble in Sirius's core. When he shifts his hips he can feel James is already half hard, so he slides down his body, nipping and kissing his skin and pushing the covers off them as he goes. Sirius spreads James's legs and lays between them, wasting no time taking him in his mouth. James's sigh is a mixture of pleasure and relief as Sirius bobs his head slowly. James's fingers thread through Sirius's messy hair, his gentle, almost pet like, caresses sends warmth throughout his body.

Sirius can feel James get bigger and harder in his mouth and it makes his mind go foggy with their endless possibilities. However, Sirius decides he wants to do this. James's grip tightens as Sirius starts to pick up the pace, his hand fondling his balls.

James knows Sirius is teasing and that he can take more. So Sirius lets him gently rock his hips, pushing himself deeper into his mouth. Sirius stops playing with his balls and extends his hand up James's body – wanting to touch him to feel the warmth of his skin and the way his chest rises and falls. Sirius takes back control and pulls back until the tip of his dick rests against his tongue. James, who has been relatively quiet – completely immersed in the feeling of winding up with tension and arousal – finds his voice. He moans, panting out a heavenly: "Don't stop," as Sirius swirls his tongue up his tip while using his hand to pump up and down. James grinds his hips down into the bed, groaning as Sirius slowly sucks and licks him. James's grip on his hair tightens, Sirius picks up the pace, sucking his cheeks in and maintaining the tension the best he can while he continues to bob his head. "I'm gonna–" James warns, losing the end of his sentence. Sirius can sense James is watching intently, so he looks at him seductively through his lashes. "Fuck," James whispers, Sirius pulls off, not breaking eye contact as he licks a stripe up his shaft, before winking and immediately resuming his precious pace. "Fuck!" James shouts, throwing his head back. His body jerks and his thighs tense, he lets out the most incredible array of broken moans as he come down Sirius's throat. Sirius can feel his own throbbing dick twitch, precome dripping from his tip. 

Sirius crawls up the bed and lays down beside him, James rolls onto his side, his hand wrapping lazily around Sirius's cock. James kisses down Sirius's chest, and taking his nipple between in his teeth as he starts jacking him off. Sirius's fingers slide into James's hair. James kisses up his neck before pulling back. He looks blissfully sated, his eyes shining as he leans forward to kiss Sirius. Sirius bucks his hips into James's hand and before he knows it James's mouth in on his dick. Sirius twists his fingers around his hair as he sucks him off. Sirius puts his other arm behind his head, revelling in the feeling, sighing and moaning quietly. James kisses back up to his mouth and Sirius is so close he starts squirming, his hips thrusting into James's fist. He loses the ability to kiss back, panting, his head falls back on the pillow and James's mouth latches onto his neck.

Sirius lets out a strangled warning as come pulses onto his chest. James slows down and releases his dick before kissing down his neck, licking at his wet skin. Sirius closes his eyes, because he would probably come again if he watched. 

"Good morning," James whispers in his ear a few moments later.

Sirius blinks his eyes open and smiles, "Good morning to you too."

"What would you like for breakfast?" James asks.

"Something quick and easy; I'm saving all my energy for you."

"Toast it is." Sirius watches James clamber off the bed and grab his glasses and his wand to vanish the remaining mess. James chucks Sirius his underwear before pulling on his own.

***

They sit down on the couch with their breakfast, Sirius's legs stretching out across James's lap.

"Are you sure you didn't want to go somewhere today?" James asks once they've finished their toast. "Anywhere you like. This is one of the first full days we've both had off in months," James asks, sipping his tea.

"That's precisely why I want to just spend it here, with you. No interruptions." James nods, swirling his tea before sipping it. Sirius waits for James to say what’s on his mind but he doesn't. "Why? Did you want to go somewhere?" James chews the inside of his cheek and Sirius is hit with the overwhelming need to appease him, "We can, if that's something you want."

"I don't know. I thought it'd be nice to get away. There’s that wizarding town in Plymouth… We could book a room, stay the night, maybe go one of those muggle cinemas that Lily talks about – no one would be able to see us in there."

Sirius sits up, puts his mug on the table, before leaning close. "Okay," Sirius decides.

"Are you sure?" He asks. Sirius pushes James's hair from his eyes and nods.

"But we're having a quickie before we leave."

"That's a fair compromise." James downs the rest of his tea and grabs Sirius's hand, taking him willingly into the bedroom. They pull off their underwear again and James casts a packing spell. Their belongings start to zoom across the room, filling neatly into their suitcases. After putting his glasses aside again Sirius pulls James down on top of him. He grabs his wand, slicking his hand in lube before grabbing their growing erections in his hand, jerking them off together. James sighs and leans forward taking Sirius's mouth in his own, rocking his hips.

"Fuck me," James whispers into his mouth.

Sirius hums and deepens the kiss. He grips one of James's hips as he slips his wet hand around to rub at his hole, James's hand takes hold of their erections and continues Sirius's previous motion, his body tenses as Sirius slides one of his fingers into him.

"Mmm, relax," Sirius coos between kisses, rubbing his hip soothingly. When James starts to rock against his finger Sirius adds another. James slowly lets go of their dicks, Sirius pulls his fingers out, holding both his hips as James lines them up. He slides down his dick in one smooth motion, Sirius is overcome with sensation and James bows his head, his face screwing up in a mix of pain and pleasure. Sirius rubs his hands up and down his back, kissing anywhere that he can reach, before he starts rocking and thrusting in and out of him. They quickly set a comfortable pace and James relaxes, he's breathing hot and heavy into his neck kissing and sucking at Sirius’s skin as he moves his hips to meet Sirius's thrusts.

"You're so tight, Jamie," Sirius praises, he rakes his fingers down his back as the pressure builds in his core.

James sits upright, bouncing up and down and the sight makes Sirius stop moving his hips for a moment to admire him. "You look so good like that!" Sirius grunts.

"So do you," James licks his lips before leaning further back, gripping Sirius's calves, allowing Sirius to thrust deeper into him. Sirius grabs James's bouncing cock and starts to jerk him off, making his breath hitch before he desperately moans, "Harder." The request pushes Sirius to teeter on the brink of climax. 

Sirius manages to roll their bodies around until James is under him. Sirius kneels on the bed and pulls James thighs around his hips, pushing himself inside him again. Sirius leans forward his hands planting into the mattress and James hands immediately grip onto him as he starts to thrust harder into him, pounding deeper with each movement. James's throws his head back, his grip tightening as he practically cries out, but his frequent repetition of "Keep going," and the way he meets Sirius's thrusts makes him persist. When Sirius starts to jack him off again, he's clenching around Sirius's cock and coming within seconds. Sirius softens the pace, then pulls out, using his hand to bring him over the edge, moaning James's name as he comes on his heaving torso. 

Sirius's body still hums with the aftershocks of pleasure so he lies down next to James to catch his breath.

"If that was your attempt to change my mind, it's working," James barely moves a muscle, just glances sideways. 

"We could always go for round three in the hotel," Sirius suggests as he rolls onto his side and half lifts himself up, looking over James's outstretched, come soaked body. "Come on, let's have that shower and we can decide after."

"I don't think I can move yet," James admits.

Sirius presses a kiss to his cheek. "Sorry Prongs," he whispers.

James rolls his head on the pillow to look at Sirius, "That was a compliment."

Sirius kisses him and James's breathing gradually slows down.

"Come join me when you get your strength back," Sirius climbs off the bed, grabbing two outfits from the cupboard and strutting into the ensuite. The water warms to the perfect temperature and Sirius is stepping in when he James steps in behind him. The enchanted shower head pours over both of them as Sirius lathers his hands in soap and begins to wash James's body. James returns the favour and they emerge from the bathroom clean and dressed. They finish packing their suitcases, an unspoken confirmation that they're going.

"Ready?" James asks holding their suitcase in one hand, his other extended towards Sirius. Sirius nods and takes James's hand. The next moment they've apparated into the lobby of an old, 1700s style hotel. 

"How did you know about this place?" Sirius asks, reluctantly letting go of his hand.

"My parents brought me here when I was little." 

They step up to reception. A witch wearing vibrant red robes, accompanied by a robin perched on her shoulder greets them. After organising a room with two beds their luggage levitates up stairs, they're provided a key and told they can check in at 2pm.

James and Sirius step out into the chilly, November air and spend the first half of the afternoon walking down Saelem Street. They browse in stores, feed some owls, buy lunch and cold bottles of pumpkin juice. Neither of them is fully aware that something has shifted between them. They're joking, laughing and acting, almost subconsciously, like they're in second, third or fourth year again: a time when they had rejected society’s perception of what constitutes acceptable boundaries within a friendship. However, once they realised their desire to touch each other had really been a display of externalised pining, they began to ween off public displays of affection. All of a sudden every playful shove or game of footsies under the table meant something; it became something sacred, private and above all else: taboo.

There is something special about this town. It is by no means a utopian, progressive sanctuary for people like them, but it has managed to rejuvenate their thwarted youth. Moreover, the fact Plymouth is so far from their usual life, paired with the slim chance of happening upon someone they know, has eroded their learnt behaviours, thus allowing them to indulge in each other in a way they hadn't in years. Because here, in this small wizarding town, they could be brothers. So neither of them acknowledge how their arms brush as they walk and neither of them try to hide their bright, loving smiles when they look at each other, an expression they've forced themselves not to share in public.

Despite this shift James and Sirius are aware that Plymouth is not some sort of parallel universe where the past can be embraced and repeated. Despite the distance, they are not completely separated from their usual reality. The palpable tension of war lingers like fog, silent and murky. It distorts, disorientates and unnerves everyone until every shadowy movement has the potential to be something sinister. They watch as parents grip the wrists of their children tightly, pulling their small, ignorant bodies directly to their destination, without diverting or stopping to smell the bleedinglemon bushes that bloom and drip their citrus nectar back into their roots - creating the most beautiful aroma. Sirius's slightly honed senses that he's inherited from his animagus form - permits him to be alert constantly, even when he doesn't realise. So when he hears a young girl scream some distance away he pinpoints her exact location within milliseconds. "What was that?" James asks and Sirius decodes his confusion for what he was truly asking, which was: 'what should we do first?'

"This way," they grab out their wands and flow against the small stampede of dispersing villagers. They weave through the crowd, spotting a couple of witches following them as they cross roads and run down a thin, almost dead-end alley. A young girl stands, sobbing, looking down at her wounded father as he bleeds profusely from multiple lacerations across his body. Sirius stumbles on his feet as he skids to a halt, his heart slamming into his throat as he drops to his knees by the man's chest. He recognises the spluttering man as Harold Minchum, the Minister of Magic, but that isn't why his stomach coils like a wound spring that could, at any moment, burst and have him vomit its contents onto the pavement.

Regardless of his nausea, Sirius immediately begins whispering the poetic counter-curse, the blood pouring out of Minchum slowly retracts back into his body. Out of the corner of his eye Sirius sees one of the witches pull the little girl out of the alley. Meanwhile James has disappeared and Sirius doesn't need to look up to know he jumped the large fence at the end of the alley in what will most certainly be a futile attempt to pursue the only wizard capable of casting such a ghastly curse.

Sirius is still repeating the spell to create a temporary seal when the apparating healers arrive - the other witch present having sent her patronus to the nearest infirmary.

"Sectumsempra." Sirius puffs out when the two men crouch down on the opposite side of Minchum's body.

"I did the best I could, the charms should hold until he can be properly treated."

The healers nod and express their gratitude. The witch states that the Minister would be dead if it wasn't for Sirius's extensive counter-curse knowledge. Sirius shrugs nonchalantly, going into no detail about the events that led him to learn such a spell. One healer takes Minchum by his arms and the other his legs and the next moment they've apparated to Saint Mungo's.

Sirius tilts his head up to the cloudy blue sky, needing a break from staring at black robes and the relentlessness of red.

"Are you alright?" The woman asks.

"Fine. Thanks for securing the area, I heard you casting the concealment spells, they really helped."

"You're welcome."

Sirius becomes acutely aware that he had been kneeling in blood when he stands to see his pants are stained with red stripes which run down his knees and calves.

He looks through the gaps in the fence, seeing green on the opposite side he hears the cheerful laugh of children a small distance away before he turns to the woman. "Where's the girl?" 

"Maddy would have taken her to the library back on Saelem Street."

"Do you get many attacks?" Sirius asks pushing his hair behind his ears.

"We manage. It's usually muggles that get caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. Do you get many where you're from?" She asks just as the team of high ranking Aurors and Ministry criminal investigators, clad in heavy uniform, apparate around them. 

"Sometimes," Sirius says. If he was honest he would tell her that there's an attack of some sort at least three times a week in London, but not everyone needs to be reminded of such facts.

"Black! What are you doing here?" The ever disgruntled voice of Mad Eye Moody easily captures Sirius's attention. 

"Potter-" Sirius begins and Moody's eye swivels rapidly, "-and I were... we had reason to believe-" Moody cuts Sirius off before he can stutter an end to the improvised lie.

"Where is he now?" He asks, focusing both eyes back on Sirius. 

"He jumped the fence to chase him down."

"Chase whom down?"

"Snape." Moody raises a brow.

"You mean to say you saw Snape attack Minchum?" 

"No, but no one curses like that, Mad Eye. You know that," Moody grunts his agreement. 

"Waste of that Potter boy's time, Snape would have disapparated without hesitation.” Moody steps closer, his laboured breathing rushing across the side of his face as he mutters, "Better gather any more information you can and report back to the Order, they'll want details; leave Snape to me."

Trusting Moody's capabilities and extreme expertise in catching Dark Wizards, Sirius awkwardly bids farewell to the nearby witch and jumps the fence. At a safe distance he morphs into Padfoot. His senses heighten further and he begins sniffing out James's scent. Travelling through the park he passes couples eating lunch and people jogging. He easily surmises that they're muggles by the way the adults push happy children on the swings while others slide down metal slopes - not a flick of magic to be seen. Sirius locks onto James's scent, following it until he watches a rather dishevelled man emerge from nearby bushes. He sits and patiently waits; he can't help the way his tail wags, sweeping the gravel behind him. James looks a wreck, his arms cut by thorns, his hair coated in a layer of leaves and twigs. When he sees Padfoot he rolls his eyes and laughs. James strolls up to him and gives him a pat, scratching under his chin. Padfoot licks James’s bleeding, "I’m okay?" James reassures and Padfoot barks. He looks back the way he'd come to indicate they need to go.

"Is this your dog?" Sirius turns back around, looking up to see a girl around their age had stopped jogging to approach them. Her bright tracksuit makes her almost impossible to miss.

"He sure is," James straightens and ruffles his hair, loosening most of the debris. Padfoot growls – Sirius despises when James claims to own him – but it only makes James smirk. "He can be a bit temperamental," James adds shaking his head disapprovingly.

"He's so fluffy, may I pet him?"

"Be my guest," Padfoot huffs but the girl grins and squats down to stoke him gently. Sirius indulges her for a moment before getting up and walking back towards the fence.

"Sorry about him, I guess something caught his attention. I better..." James starts to follow after him.

"Yeah, thanks," she calls.

Padfoot breaks into a run making James run after him. Once he's hidden in some shrubs near the fence he transforms back into himself.

"What happened to you?" Sirius demands, adjusting his clothes.

"I thought I saw the slick git run through some thickets; it turns out I was wrong, but I realised too late." 

"Idiot," Sirius mutters, not wanting to waste time on words of worry. "We need to find Minchum's daughter. I know where she was taken, hopefully she's still there." That is when the pair realise that the fence is no longer there, it is enchanted to look and feel like a plain brick wall – a ruse used not to draw attention to their hidden world. They disenchant the wall and it returns to its actual form, climbing over and recasting the spell, they weave past the Aurors and find a shortcut back to the nearly deserted Saelem Street.   
  
Maddy recognises James and Sirius from the crime scene and introduces James to a shocked and tear stricken Julia Minchum. Sirius pulls Maddy aside to extract her insight into what Julia had said, as well as gather any other information that might be helpful to relay to the Order.  
  
A short while later Maddy offers to make tea, thus leaving James and Sirius alone with Julia. Sirius keeps his distance, knowing he's never been one to succeed at comforting anyone other than James. In fact, he isn't very successful at any type of social or emotional interaction unless it involves James. Sirius scans some of the shelves and listens to what James is saying.  
  
"What's your favourite colour?" He asks, she whispers so quietly even Sirius struggles to hear.

"What about your favourite animal?" he asks and again Sirius can't hear her response. Intrigued, he turns around he sees a beautiful, wispy, violet swan swimming through the air leaving a trail of turquoise blue behind. Feeling an unexpected tug at his heart he turns back to the bookcase.

"What else do you like?" James asks.  
  
"I like to look at the stars with my dad," she chokes on the words but it's loud enough for Sirius to hear this time.  
  
"I love the stars too. Do you have a favourite?" He asks.  
  
"That's a silly question-" she laughs but Sirius can tell she's still on the verge of crying. "-l like all of them,” she adds.  
  
"I have a favourite," James admits and Sirius smiles to himself. "It's the brightest one in the sky, you should look for it next time you star gaze with your dad."

"When will I get to see him?"  
  
"Very soon, I'm sure." 

"Here you go," Maddy says when she walks into the room. She hands Sirius and James the tea she'd prepared. 

They drink quickly, asking any more vital questions before passing the mugs back to Maddy.

"How's Julia getting to Saint Mungo’s?" Sirius asks quietly as he looks over to see Julia sitting in the corner flicking through the pages of an enchanted pop-up book.

"Her mother will be here any moment." The pair nod.

They share a look and without words come to the conclusion that they can no longer avoid returning to headquarters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of a cliffhanger this time, expect the next chapter very soon!


	3. The Sulking Seat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Order is seeking answers and their accusations revive Sirius's guilty conscience, thus spiralling him into his old, self-destructive habits.

Sirius and James walk through the secret passage from Hogsmeade into the room of requirement and all eyes turn onto them. Everyone looks disgruntled and tense; their quiet weekend plans ruined because they've been summoned to wait for news about the Minister. The news only Sirius and James can provide.

"Look who decided to show up," Peter snaps as they sit down at the large table. Sirius's face remains neutral as he stares at Wormtail. Sirius can't lie that he is somewhat surprised by Peter's frustrated tone and the way he shakes his head disapprovingly. James on the other hand is unable to hide his anger and he is definitely not in the mood to be judged.

"Next time you have to interview a six year old girl I'll be sure to criticise you for how long it takes," James seethes, his jaw set firm.

"That's enough," Frank says and the pair sits back.

"Okay. Tell us what happened," a quiet voice says from a few seats away. Sirius looks down the table to see Mary sitting beside Lily. He smiles weakly at her but she looks down, obviously wanting to be anywhere but this table.

The pair begin to explain what happened. James tells them what Julia had said: "Minchum thought they were being followed and he told Julia that they were going to go home early. Maddy told us Julia said a man in a mask and dark robes followed and confronted them down an alley and that he attacked her father before disapparating. Julia didn't understand why Minchum was cursed."

The room erupts in discussion and miniature arguments about how Minchum should not have refused his usual 24 hour protection.

Lily rebuts the statement and says: "Maybe Minchum just wanted a chance to be a father without the pressure of being Minister."

Lily is immediately shut down by Kingsley Shacklebolt who says: "Minchum needs to realise this isn't a fantasy world where he can pick and choose when he partakes in the War."

Sirius's ability to maintain his composure dwindles rapidly as everyone gets further and further away from the real issue at hand. Almost everyone is arguing over who’s to blame: Minchum, the ministry, even Julia's name came up - which fired James up.

"Does anyone in this bloody room think that it might - by some small chance - be Snape's fault?" Sirius's loud voice carries. "Or whoever put him up to it. We need to find out how the Death Eaters knew Minchum was going to be away from London and why they attacked him."

The room falls silent. Sirius leans back in his chair and crosses his arms.

"Black is right," Fabian Prewett says. "This wasn't a random, opportunistic attack, it was a warning otherwise he would have used Avada Kedavra."

"Sectumsempra is not a basic curse," Lily says. "Without immediate treatment he would have died and painfully at that."

"So are you saying he did have the intention to kill?" Alice asks and Lily looks like she has more to say but looks down and shrugs.

"Or he was aware that someone there had the knowledge to counter the curse," Peter says and all eyes turn back to James and Sirius. "Why were you there anyway?" he asks with a brow raised.

"We wanted to get out of London for a bit," Sirius says quickly, having had time to think of an answer to this line of questioning.

"Mr Pettigrew has a point, and it is something we should consider," Shacklebolt says.

"Did either of you see Snape?" Gideon Prewett asks.

"No," they respond. The thought crosses Sirius's mind that maybe he wasn't as alert as he usually is and there is a chance that he may have been too immersed in James to be paying attention to what was around him, maybe even missed some vital signs.

"Snape is aware that you know the counter-curse, isn't he?" Mundungus Fletcher accuses. Sirius's stomach coils again, just like it had when he first saw Minchum. James’s worried gaze bears into the side of his face but he doesn't dare return the look. 

Sirius nods and clears his throat, "Yes, I was there once when he performed it - as you all know."

"So it's possible he knew you could save Minchum?" Shacklebolt asks, a sliver of accusation tinting his tone as well. Sirius despises this feeling. The feeling of being spoken down to, like he's guilty - he's never dealt well with guilt. Sirius takes a breath, he's trying to learn when it's acceptable to dish out a piece of his mind and when it's best to just let things slide.

So, with gritted teeth, he tries his best to remain composed as he responds, "Yes."

"We are not shifting the blame to Sirius," Lily defends, her voice breaking. Sirius's anger slips but he makes sure to grip back onto it. "It's also possible Snape just wanted Minchum to suffer before he died; he's done a lot to help defeat the Death Eaters," Lily adds.

An uncertain murmur drifts down the table.

"Was that all the information you two gathered?" Frank asks before more arguments arise.

Sirius tries his hardest to keep a lid on his temper as he addresses the group, "One of the witches I spoke to - Maddy said her name was Clementine - told me muggles are often the ones that get attacked, or are in the wrong place at the wrong time, I'm not sure if that's useful."

"They also have a very basic transfiguration enchantment concealing their town, any Muggle could climb the brick wall into town if they so desired," James admits.

"Anything else?" Prewett asks and they shake their heads.

"Okay. We've been here for hours, we'll come back to this case with clear heads in the coming days. Feel free to stay here for further news, otherwise this meeting is adjourned," Kingsley decides. "Travel safe. I'll see you all back here tomorrow where we'll go over the Malfoy Manor mission," he concludes.

Sirius, known for his ability to cause a scene, does not hide his irritation any further, standing dramatically he heads through the exit before anyone so much as open their mouth to say farewell. Not waiting for anyone to stop him Sirius apparates as soon as he's back in Hogsmeade. 

Once inside the apartment he peels off his bloodied clothes and rummages through the wardrobe. He stops once his hands land on James's old Quiddich jumper. He pulls it over his head, the fuzzy lining is warm and helps ease the edge off his anger. Sirius steps into some sweat pants and then makes himself a cup of tea. He huffs loudly as he collapses into the chair that faces away from the rest of the room, the one that looks out the window - "Sirius's Sulking Seat" as James calls it. The chair that acts as a signal to James that Sirius wants to be left alone, even though James often ends up snuggled in his lap while Sirius pretends to still be brooding over whatever it was that made him sit there in the first place.

***

Sirius is still very comfortable sulking when hears the front door opens.

"He'll be in the living room," James says loud enough to warn Sirius they aren't alone.

"Hey," it's Lily. Of course it's Lily. "James thought you'd be here," Sirius keeps his eyes fixed outside the window, the late afternoon sun slowly sinks lower in the sky. "He also said you would need me to remind you it wasn't your fault, because you wouldn't believe it coming from James – at least not tonight."

"I know it wasn't my fault, we weren't anywhere near-" Sirius grumbles, getting cut off.

"I meant what happened at the start of August," Sirius slowly turns to face her. "But you're right, today wasn't your fault either," she sits on the small windowsill in front of him. 

"Hmm," Sirius mumbles, looking past her.

"No one was ever angry at you," she reassures.

Sirius Scoffs, knowing that isn’t the case at all. “ _I_  was angry at me," he says harshly, as if offended Lily hadn't considered that fact.

"If it hadn't been me he would have left," Lily tries to ease his guilt, not realising her attempt is futile – he is past the point of rational discussion.

"The curse was meant for me,” Sirius reminds her.

"We're not back on this are we?" James asks, half joking, as he passes Lily one of her bottles of muggle cider she keeps in their fridge.

"Don't start, James," Sirius warns. Sirius using James’s proper name is more than rare and the feeling of it on his tongue is foreign. It makes him for the briefest of seconds realise the level his frustration has reached, however, it’s too late and just like a bird migrating he’s helpless to change course and prevent what is to come.

"Don't be like that," Lily says sternly, hoping to prevent an argument, but Sirius's anger is overwhelming him and he needs to project it.

"No. He doesn't get it," Sirius stands and walks the couple of paces until he's face to face with James, glowering at him. " _He_  wasn't there."

"No I wasn't," James pushes his jumper sleeves up and crosses his arms. Sirius glimpses the cuts on his arms from the tall thickets, blood staining his skin, but his usual instinct to nurture him is the furthest thing from Sirius’s mind.

"It was supposed to be you-” Sirius glares right into James’s eyes, “-if you were there that curse wouldn't have hit Lily," Sirius realises it sounds very much like he wanted James to be the one bleeding out before his eyes, but he is too consumed with self-loathing to try and correct himself. It's obvious by the fact Lily is completely silent and the way James's face loses its stern expression, falling into something vacant and dark that they too heard what he did not intend to infer.

"Gee, Sirius, tell me how you really feel," James subtly offers Sirius the chance to redeem himself.

Sirius does want to apologise, but he's already stated talking, "I just did."

James closes his eyes as if he's willing himself to maintain his composure, "Okay. Enjoy feeling sorry for yourself," he starts to walk away.

Sirius can feel his heart catch up to his mouth. "Wait," but James just shakes his head and keeps walking, "Dammit, James, don't be so stubborn!"

He stops, "This isn't the time to address _my_ attitude, _Sirius_. I thought you'd grown up," he’s voice and expression drip with disappointment - there isn't much that upsets Sirius more than James's disappointment. Sirius's anger rapidly drains and his brows crease in a pathetic expression of regret. "I thought you'd stopped using your anger to bring everyone else down," James heads to the foyer and Sirius follows him, leaving Lily in the living room.

James stops at the front door. "I didn't-" Sirius attempts to explain but James cuts him off.

"I know you didn't mean it," James says quietly, pulling on his coat.

"Then why are you leaving?" Sirius asks his brow hurting from being furrowed so deeply.

"Obviously you weren't sulking for long enough."

"You'll come back?" Sirius asks.

"No, I'm leaving you forever," he scoffs. He closes his eyes letting out a huff of defeat, "I'm going back to Plymouth. Our stuff is there and we still have that room booked. You can come join me later, when you aren't going to try and make me feel shit."

"Okay," Sirius nods.

"Two hours, at least," James's expression softens somewhat and Sirius relaxes.

"Okay," Sirius agrees.

"See you later," James walks through the open door.

"Bye," Sirius says before it closes.

"Did you two kiss and make up?" Lily jokes when Sirius re-enters the room.

"Ha ha, yeah right," Sirius easily deflects what could have been a disarming comment.

"You realise you're wearing his jumper, don't you?"

"And? My clothes were covered in blood," Sirius drops down onto the couch and Lily sits down beside him.

"All right..." she sounds unconvinced. "You shouldn't have taken it out on him. He was just trying to look out for you." 

"Don't you think I know that?" Sirius snaps, but Lily's unimpressed look makes him apologise.

"What happened that day wasn't your fault, Sirius."

"Do you honestly tell yourself that when you look in the mirror?"

"Oh, like you aren't covered in scars, Mr I-ran-through-an-Incendio-spell. Or there was that time you were levitated into barbed hedge at Lestrange Abbey." 

"At least my scars will continue to fade, your scars won't go away Lils."

"I still don't blame you Sirius. It all happened so fast."

"That curse was never meant for you."

"And I'm the one that wasn't paying attention when you deflected it to me. If it had been James beside you, he would have been ready to protect himself and I'm sure you would have used Severus's confusion to his disadvantage and been able to get the upper hand."

"I'm the one that forgot we hadn't established a plan before the ambush." 

"Can we just agree that we're lucky it was me? If it had been you bleeding out Severus wouldn't have stayed to heal you, he would have left like he did with Minchum and I wouldn't have been able to save you," Lily says. "James said it too, the night it happened when he came to visit me. He said as horrible as it sounded he much preferred to be at my bedside than in the morgue identifying your body."

"That is horrible," Sirius laughs awkwardly.

"It's the truth."

Sirius comes to terms with the fact Lily will only continue fighting him, so he sighs and stretches out his legs.

"Fine, you win this round, Evans."

"Good," Lily grins.

Sirius runs his hands through his hair, pushing it back off his face. "Are you okay?" she asks.

"Yeah."

"Today was a shit day, you don't have to pretend it wasn't," she squeezes his shoulder and he looks at her.

"What did you do today?" He asks, changing the subject.

"Not a lot, Mary and I were getting lunch when we got the news so we headed in to headquarters. What about you? Why were you in Plymouth, anyway?"

"James and I just wanted to get away."

"So there  _was_  no other reason?"

"Does there need to be another?"

"No," Lily takes a swig of her almost full bottle. 

The pair continues to chat and later Sirius's irritation fully evaporates when they laugh at some muggle show Lily put on the television. Lily denies the offer of Sirius cooking her dinner and says she best be getting home. They say their farewells and Sirius spends the next hour tidying up the apartment.


	4. Forgiveness and nurturing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius arrives at the hotel room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone has been having a beautiful beginning to their year! This story has blossomed into something I was not expecting so I hope you enjoy the path I'm leading you down!

Later that evening Sirius knocks on the hotel door. He hears it unlock but James doesn't appear. Sirius opens it himself and steps inside, stopping abruptly. The interior is quite the contrast to the lobby and old exterior of the building, the furnishing are modern and the rooms decently sized. Sirius walks further in with caution.

"Hey," James calls and Sirius follows his voice into the kitchenette where he's pulling a pizza from the oven. The strange feeling that overcame him vanishes.

"Hey," Sirius puts a bottle of fire whiskey on the bench. "I'm sorry," he says, having learnt James appreciates an apology before any attempt to explain his unacceptable behaviour. 

James flicks his wand at the pizza and it splits into multiple pieces. "So am I?"

"What for?" Sirius asks. 

"It was a mistake to bring Lily over; I didn't think it would trigger you to feeling guilty again."

"It's not your fault, or Lily's, I was already pissed off."

"Why?" James asks, a challenging brow raised. It's as if he's already figured it out and he just wants to hear it come from Sirius's mouth.

Sirius walks around the bench, rummaging for some glasses before answering. "I don't know, because everyone jumped on the blame train. I did not hear a single "oh and thanks for saving the bloody Minister's life" or "thanks for trying to find Snape", they just didn't care," he pours the flaming alcohol into the glasses.

"So you wanted to feel appreciated?"

"Yes," Sirius says immediately. Upon realising how pompous he sounds his hard expression weakens. "I mean-" he begins, but James cuts him off.

"Thank you, Padfoot, for not hesitating to save the Minister," James stares at Sirius and Sirius stares back at him and little smiles twitch across both their lips. "Anyway, I was mad, too," James admits changing the subject slightly.

Sirius remembers the deep scowl James wore for most of the meeting, "I know you were," he says.

*

They drink and eat in relative silence until Sirius can no longer wait to explain himself, needing to release his pent up apology, "I didn't mean it like that, what I said earlier," James lowers the glass from his lips, opening his mouth to speak but Sirius continues, "I meant you were supposed to be with me that day, not Lily. You're my partner; we always do missions together–"

"I," James tries to cut in but Sirius doesn't let him.

"–If it had been you, you would have known what I was doing, you would have been ready, you wouldn't have been hit-"

"Pads, stop," James laughs. "I know and I know what you meant, I'm not that thick," James pushes his plate aside and leans across the table. "I left because I wasn't going to put up with your shit, not because I believed you. I know you pretty well Sirius Black and I can safely say you wouldn't want to watch me die in front of you."

Sirius tenses as images he used to see of James's body lying in place of Lily's replay in his mind. "Sometimes it  _was_  you, when I used to dream about it," Sirius can't bear to look at him so he occupies himself by continuing to eat his pizza.

"Is that why I used to wake up at 2am and find you in that chair?"

Sirius shrugs, "Sometimes, yeah."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because it was stupid – it's still stupid. You weren't even there," Sirius attempts to cover his embarrassment by letting his temper flare, however, he realises what he's doing, so he takes a breath. "I could deal with dreaming about Lily, but dreaming about you, that hurt so much more," he admits.

"You don't have to push me away when something's hurting; you know that, right?" James reassures, his hazel eyes shining intensely behind his glasses.

"But it was stupid," Sirius tries to justify himself but James shakes his head.

"Not to me."

Sirius takes a large gulp of alcohol directly from the bottle, "Okay."

"Okay," James repeats and grabs the bottle, taking a swig himself.

"Why are you hurting?" Sirius asks. James leans back in the chair as if physically taken aback by the question. "I might be self-centred, Prongs, but I'm not blind. I saw how you were with Julia."

James stands up and takes the empty plates and glasses back to the kitchen. Sirius stays seated, taking another swig from the bottle.

"It just makes me sick to think that she was there. The fact anyone can curse someone like that when a child is present, it's just..." James's voice is muffled by the wall but Sirius can tell he's definitely upset. James finishes his sentence when he comes back into the room, "It's fucked, there's no other way to describe it."

Sirius offers the bottle to James, "I know," he agrees.

James crosses the room, standing directly in front of him, making Sirius look up. James takes the fire whiskey and with his other hand gently pushes Sirius's hair behind his ear. Sirius closes his eyes, the feeling of being touched by James is enough to make his bones weak. James sips the drink before putting it down.

"I have dreams about you, too," he whispers, "I hear you, screaming, like you did that day at Lestrange Abbey." Sirius opens his eyes only to look down. James curls his fingers under his chin forcing him to look back up. "That hurts too."

"You're the one that saved me," Sirius reminds him.

James smiles and pushes his glasses up his nose when they begin to slip. "I wish I'd been faster."

"Don't tell me you're the one feeling guilty now," Sirius laughs.

James shrugs, "At least I deal with it in a healthy way." 

"And how do you deal with it, Mr Potter?" Sirius asks.

"I'll pull you into my arms, kiss you, tell myself you're safe then fall back asleep," Sirius takes James's hand from under his chin and kisses his palm. "Much more satisfying than sitting alone in a chair," James adds.

"Oi, don't judge me. Sometimes I just need to be alone," Sirius links their fingers together.

"Do you want to be alone now?" James asks and starts to walk backwards.

"No," Sirius says and James pulls him to his feet.

"Good," James leads Sirius into the dimly lit bedroom. James has rearranged the two beds so that they're pushed together.

"I'm surprised you didn't leave them separate to punish me for being such a dick," James sits down on the bed.

"I thought about it, then I realised I would have caved eventually and we would have ended up crammed in one little bed," Sirius pushes his legs open and stands between them.

"You say that like it would be a bad thing," Sirius plays with his hair, running his fingers through it, ruffling it and pulling out any small leaves and twigs that still happen to have hidden in his messy locks.

"Neither of us would get any sleep."

"You're probably right," Sirius winks, happy with James's hair he moves out from between his legs.

"Have I ever told you how good you look in my jumper?" James leans forward and grabs Sirius's hips to make sure he doesn't move further away.

Sirius shrugs, a smug look on his face, "Once or twice."

"It's always looked better on you," James looks him up and down.

"Normally I'd agree because most things look better on me, but I have to put this jumper in the little pile of things only you can pull off."

"Well, you're right about one thing," James says, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

"What's that?" Sirius asks.

"Only I can pull it off," he slides his hands under the hem, pushing the fabric up, his cold fingers caressing Sirius's skin.

"It still looks better on you," Sirius's breath catches. James grins and takes his hands out to wrap his arms around Sirius. James pulls him forward until he's collapsed on top him. Sirius grins, burying his face in his shoulder as James hugs him tightly.

"You look better on me," James mutters into his hair.

"Now that is something I can agree with," Sirius slides his arms under James's body to squeeze him closer. Sirius turns his face and snuggles into his neck, breathing him in before letting out a long sigh, "Can we just..."

"Yeah," James finishes and presses a feather light kiss to his head before they awkwardly shimmy up to the pillows. 

Sirius is spread out on top of James and they whisper to each other while James rubs his hands up and down his back and one of Sirius's hands repeatedly combs through the same section of James's hair. They are a mess of clothes and limbs, their heartbeats composing a unique rhythm. Sirius gradually becomes so accustom to breathing in James's scent that it fades to the point he genuinely considers he might be dreaming. However, their touches are too light and their words too heavy for dreams; they're words of confession, words of promise, words of love that last for hours with long, peaceful silences between them.

"I don't want to move," Sirius mutters when James starts to shift restlessly.

"Come on, we have to get some sleep."

"I'm fine like this," Sirius reassures, wriggling his body to emphasise his comfort, James grunts as Sirius puts too much pressure on the tender parts of his body.

"Yeah, well you're not the one wearing an extra 160 pounds that could, at any moment, rupture my spleen,"

"Are you calling me fat?" Sirius asks pulling his head off James's shoulder, looking at him properly for the first time in hours.

"Yes," James states. Sirius's mouth gapes in mock shock, "Now get off."

Sirius shakes his head and narrows his eyes, feigning annoyance he exclaims, "Twat!" before rolling off him dramatically.

"Come on, if you get ready for bed with me I'll let you be the little spoon," James promises.

Sirius grumbles under his breath but gets off the bed all the same.

"What was that?" James asks.

"I said: "bribery doesn't become you", but I'll let it slide."

"You usually do," James says.

"Only because there is rarely any downside to your offers," Sirius walks into the bathroom and James follows.

"I need another shower," James confesses.

"I suppose I could do with another," Sirius says. James grins, pulling his Quiddich jumper off Sirius's body.

Sirius helps James out of his jumper and his hands reach for James's belt buckle but then he notices how his arms are still cut, dried blood cracking on his skin. "Prongs," Sirius reprimands, "why didn't you heal them?"

"I thought I did," James admits.

"Stay here," Sirius leaves and grabs his wand from the dining table and when he returns James is in his underwear and sitting on the vanity. "Give me your arm," Sirius orders. Holding his wrist he inspects the cuts, "You're lazy," Sirius casts a basic healing spell, the grazes fade slightly but after a moment droplets of blood bead in the thin cuts again. Sirius furrows his brow. His touch becomes gentler as he casts a much stronger spell the blood and cuts fade only for them to return.

"Constant cuts," Sirius recalls his herbology and dark arts knowledge and James frowns.

"Who would hex thickets in a muggle park?" James asks.

"Someone who’s trying to hide something," Sirius guesses.

"That doesn't make any sense, why would you hide something there?" 

"I don't know, but we're going to have to get some ointment tomorrow." Sirius heals his arms using various spells. "That's the best I can do for now, I'll wrap them when we get out of the shower."

James cups the back of his neck and pulls Sirius in for a warm and loving kiss, it's the first they've shared since the morning and it makes Sirius yearn for another. "Thanks, Pads," James whispers.

Sirius smiles, wonderstruck and pulls James to his feet, kissing him again before turning on the shower. 

*

"You could have used magic you know." James informs Sirius after he had carefully wrapped each of James's arms in the softest cotton he could conjure.

"And pass up the opportunity to show off my master bandaging skills, I think not."

"You just wanted an excuse to touch me," James corrects.

"Get in contact with the ministry, you can sue me for caring," Sirius scoffs sarcastically.

"That won't be necessary; I can deal with you myself." 

Sirius smirks, "Kinky." He winks, laughing and vanishes the medical equipment. "You can deal with me another night, come on," Sirius pushes James out of the small bathroom.

"Now you're the one that wants to go to sleep?" 

"Oh, be quiet. Get in," Sirius pulls the covers back for him and walks around the other side. They are technically lying on two different beds but James's enchantment makes the mattresses fit together seamlessly.  "If you start to feel woozy or sick let me know," Sirius mutters, knowing James will resort to mockery to hide how he truly feels receiving Sirius's genuine and loving concern.

"Yes, Mum," James affirms and Sirius rolls his eyes.

"Don't be such a git and roll over" Sirius says and James begins to turn towards him. "No, the other way," James does as he's told and Sirius rolls over too, curling around James, snuggling into the back of his neck. James takes Sirius's hand kissing it before holding it against his chest.

"I thought I was going to be the big spoon?" James whispers.

"You're the injured one, I thought you could do with some extra love," James rolls his head to face Sirius.

"You're too sweet, babe, goodnight," he whispers and kisses away Sirius's smile at being called "babe". The use of pet names - excluding their literal pet names - are a rarity between the two, they never got into the habit, a subliminal tactic to reduce the chances of slipping up in public. They already struggle maintaining their platonic separation as it is.

"Sweet dreams, love," Sirius replies and James turns back the other way. Sirius leaves a trail of kisses across his face and neck before squeezing him and closing his eyes.


End file.
